You may have met this person before, although you probably did not call the behaviour narcissism at the time.
Perhaps it was a manager whom everybody described as wonderful, confident and easy to work with, until a difficult project came along. Perhaps it was a colleague who seemed supportive until someone else received the recognition. The change may have appeared when somebody disagreed, questioned a decision, received praise or pointed out a mistake.
This is often when narcissistic behaviour becomes easier to recognise. It can appear anywhere in the workplace, but the consequences become more serious when the person has authority over others. The problem is not confidence or ambition. It is the repeated need to be right, admired, recognised or treated differently, and the effect this gradually has on the people who have to work with that person.
The word narcissist should still be used carefully. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a clinical diagnosis, and not every arrogant, demanding or difficult colleague is a narcissist. In the workplace, the more useful approach is to recognise a repeated pattern of narcissistic behaviour and understand how to deal with it when avoiding the person is not an option.
Character at work rarely shows itself on an easy day. It shows itself when someone else gets the credit.
What Is Narcissism?
Narcissism is often understood simply as excessive self-love, but in everyday behaviour it can be more complicated than that. A person with strong narcissistic traits may have an unusually strong need for admiration and recognition, a sense of entitlement, difficulty accepting criticism and limited concern for other people’s needs when those needs interfere with his own. This does not mean that every person who likes attention or enjoys being praised is narcissistic. Most people want to be appreciated for what they do. The difference is how important that admiration becomes and what happens when it is not received. Someone with strong narcissistic behaviour may need to feel important in the room. Recognition given to another person can feel like recognition taken away from him. A disagreement may feel less like a difference of opinion and more like a challenge to his position. A mistake can become difficult to admit because admitting it interferes with the image he wants other people to see.Wanting praise is human. Needing it in order to feel safe is a different matter.
Narcissism or Confidence?
Confidence and narcissistic behaviour can look surprisingly similar when we first meet someone. Both can appear as certainty, ambition, presence and a desire to succeed. The difference often becomes clearer when the person is no longer the most important person in the room. A confident manager can employ somebody who knows more about a particular subject without feeling that his authority has been reduced. He can acknowledge another person’s achievement, accept a better idea and admit that one of his own decisions did not work. He may not enjoy being corrected, but he can live with it. Narcissistic behaviour tends to become more visible when that confidence is tested. Another person’s success can become uncomfortable. Disagreement may be interpreted as disrespect. A correction that should take a few minutes can turn into an argument about who has the right to question whom. Perhaps the simplest distinction is this: confidence does not require another person to become smaller.A secure leader hires people who know more than she does. An insecure one finds reasons to keep them out of the meeting.
How to Spot Narcissistic Behaviour at Work
You do not need to study psychology to notice that something is wrong in a working relationship, but you do need to look beyond individual incidents. Most of us enjoy recognition, become defensive occasionally or want credit for our work. One difficult meeting tells you very little. A repeated pattern tells you much more.- The person needs recognition and attention. Praise matters greatly, while watching somebody else receive it may produce irritation or an attempt to reduce the importance of the achievement. A colleague’s promotion becomes “good timing,” an award was “politics,” or a successful presentation happened because “she had a lot of help.”
- Success is claimed, while failure belongs elsewhere. When a project succeeds, the person’s role may grow considerably in the telling. When the next project fails, the language changes. The team misunderstood, somebody did not deliver, the client changed the requirements or there was not enough support. When things go well, “I” becomes very important. When things go badly, “we” suddenly returns.
- Disagreement becomes personal. Instead of discussing the objection, the person may begin questioning the competence, experience, attitude or loyalty of the person who raised it. Employees may eventually find themselves saying, “She asks for our opinion, but she doesn’t really want a different one.”
- Other people’s ideas can become their ideas. A suggestion may be dismissed when somebody else proposes it, only to return later with the narcissistic person taking ownership of it. Employees who experience this repeatedly soon become more careful about making their contribution visible.
- Special treatment is expected. Rules, deadlines and ordinary professional courtesies may be regarded as important for everyone else but negotiable when they become personally inconvenient. The expectation is not simply for occasional flexibility, but for exceptions that the person would not readily offer to others.
- People are treated according to their status or usefulness. Someone may be exceptionally pleasant with senior management and important clients while behaving quite differently with junior employees or support staff. A person who is consistently charming upward and dismissive downward is showing something worth noticing.
- Admitting a mistake or lack of knowledge is unusually difficult. Even when somebody else clearly has greater expertise, the person may continue arguing rather than acknowledge that another person knows more. Expertise is welcome while it supports the person’s position and can become uncomfortable when it challenges it.
- Criticism produces a reaction larger than the criticism itself. A normal correction may be treated as an insult or an act of disloyalty, while the original issue quickly disappears.
Watch how someone speaks to the office assistant. It tells you more than how they speak to the CEO.
When You Have to Work With a Narcissistic Person
Recognising the behaviour may help you understand what has been happening, but recognition does not make Monday morning disappear. Sometimes avoiding the person is simply not an option. The individual may be your manager, a colleague assigned to the same project or somebody whose position means regular contact is unavoidable. You may need the job or simply have no intention of leaving because one working relationship is difficult. Advice to “walk away” is not particularly useful when you have to be back in the same meeting tomorrow morning. Trying to change the person’s personality is unlikely to help either. A more realistic approach is to reduce unnecessary conflict and protect your work and professional position.- Keep responsibilities clear. Establish who is doing what, who has authority to make particular decisions and when the work is expected. This becomes particularly important when you are dealing with someone who tends to claim success or move responsibility when difficulties arise. A normal project plan or follow-up message is often enough to keep everyone working from the same understanding.
- Keep important agreements in writing. Not every conversation needs to be documented, but important decisions should be. If responsibilities change, confirm the change. If a deadline moves, record the new date. The purpose is not to build a case against somebody, but to prevent an important agreement from later becoming a matter of competing memories.
- Make your contribution visible. Include your contribution in normal project updates, present your own work when appropriate and keep relevant colleagues informed. If you completed the research or developed an important part of the project, there is nothing improper about making sure that contribution is known.
- Deal with the behaviour, not the label. Telling a manager or colleague, “You are a narcissist,” is unlikely to improve anything. If your work was presented without acknowledgement, address the missing acknowledgement. If responsibilities changed, return to what was agreed. Deal with what happened rather than trying to define the person.
- Do not explain yourself endlessly. Some difficult working relationships become exhausting because every disagreement turns into a long defence. State the facts clearly, explain your position and resist being drawn into an argument that keeps moving away from the original issue. You do not need the other person to agree with everything you say before the conversation can end.
- Set boundaries and choose what matters. If you cannot complete something tonight, explain when you can complete it. If a request falls outside your responsibility, say what you can reasonably provide. At the same time, not every boast, exaggeration or attempt to attract attention deserves confrontation. Save your energy for behaviour that affects your work, reputation, responsibilities or fair recognition.
- Keep your professional relationships. Do not allow one difficult person to become the centre of your entire working life. Continue your normal relationships with colleagues, other departments and the people with whom your work legitimately brings you into contact. This is particularly important when the narcissistic person is your manager.
- Know when ordinary coping is no longer enough. Repeated intimidation, retaliation, deliberate misrepresentation, harassment, discrimination or unethical conduct should not be treated simply as a difficult personality. Keep accurate records and use the appropriate organisational procedures. At that stage, facts, dates and specific incidents will be more useful than trying to prove that somebody is a narcissist.
A short email after a meeting can save you a long argument three months later.
Do Not Let the Relationship Change You
Working with someone who always needs to be right can eventually make you equally determined to prove that person wrong. Someone who competes constantly for recognition may tempt you to begin competing just as hard. If every disagreement becomes personal, you may eventually find yourself taking every disagreement personally too. This is where a difficult working relationship can begin to occupy far more space than it deserves. You start preparing for the person’s reactions before meetings, replaying conversations afterwards, questioning things you would once have been certain about, or spending more energy managing one colleague than doing the work itself.A difficult colleague can teach you bad habits faster than any training course can teach you good ones.There is an old workplace habit of looking at a difficult person and asking, “What is wrong with him?” Perhaps the more useful question is, “What happens to me when I am around him?” You may have to work with that person tomorrow morning. You do not have to carry that person home with you tomorrow night.
