There are people we hear from regularly, and there are people we hear from only when they need something. You may not have spoken to someone for two years when a message suddenly arrives. After the usual greetings and a little catching up, the reason for the call becomes clear. There is a favour to ask.
There is nothing wrong with asking. We all need advice, support, information or someone’s time at different points in our lives. But giving and taking work together, and problems often begin when one side becomes much easier than the other. Some people become comfortable asking while giving very little. Others are much better at giving than receiving. Somewhere between the two is a balance worth paying attention to.
Giving Is More Than Gifts
When we talk about giving, we often think of money, presents or charity. Yet some of the things people value most cost nothing. Time is one of them. Parents may buy their children many things, but years later, children often remember who played with them, listened to them and was there when they wanted to talk.
The same is true in adult life. Giving may mean listening when someone needs to talk, sharing information that could help, recognising good work or making time when your presence matters. None of these requires a grand gesture, but they do require attention and effort.
Giving can take many forms:
- Your time and attention
- Help when someone is struggling
- Knowledge or useful information
- Recognition when someone deserves credit
- An honest opinion when honesty is needed
Giving does not always mean saying yes. A manager who gives honest feedback may be more helpful than one who offers easy praise. A friend may tell us something we would rather not hear. What matters is whether what we give is useful and sincere, rather than simply pleasing.
Give Before You Ask
Most of us are good at remembering who can help when we need something. We know who has useful experience, who can make an introduction and who usually gives good advice. A better test is whether we remember these people when we need nothing from them.
Giving before asking does not mean doing favours today so that we can collect them tomorrow. Nor does it mean that we have to earn the right to ask for help. It simply asks us to look at our own behaviour before expecting something from someone else.
Before making a request, it may be worth asking:
- Have I made any effort before today?
- Have I ever been available when this person needed something?
- Am I interested in the person, or mainly in what they can do for me?
- Would I still keep in touch if there were nothing to gain?
These questions are not meant to decide whether we deserve help. They are simply a way to notice our habits. Sometimes we may discover that asking has become easier than giving.
Givers, Takers and Matchers
In his book Give and Take, organizational psychologist Adam Grant describes three broad ways people approach giving and receiving. Givers tend to contribute without expecting an immediate return. Takers try to receive more than they give. Matchers are more comfortable with an even exchange and tend to return what they receive.
Most of us can probably recognise ourselves somewhere in these descriptions, although we may behave differently depending on the situation. The labels matter less than what they help us notice. Are we mainly concerned with what we will get back? Do we expect others to give more than we do? Or are we comfortable giving but less comfortable when it is our turn to receive?
Grant’s distinction is useful because it reminds us that giving and taking are not simply opposites. How we handle both says something about the way we deal with other people.
Giving Without Keeping Score
Balance does not mean keeping score. If every invitation, favour or helpful gesture creates an expectation of repayment, giving becomes a kind of private accounting system. Healthy give and take does not require everything to be returned in exactly the same way or at exactly the same time.
There will be periods when one person needs more. Illness, family problems or a difficult period at work can change the balance for weeks or even months. Later, the situation may be reversed. A temporary imbalance is normal. What matters is whether the same pattern continues over time.
It may be worth paying attention when:
- Effort almost always comes from one side.
- Help is expected rather than appreciated.
- Contact increases mainly when something is wanted.
- Giving has started to feel like an obligation.
There is no need to keep a record of every favour. We usually know the difference between a period when someone happens to need more and a pattern in which one person continually gives while the other mainly receives.
When Giving Becomes Expected
People get used to what is regularly available. The person who always volunteers may eventually be expected to volunteer. Someone who constantly solves problems may find that every new problem comes their way. If we rarely refuse a request, others may eventually assume that we will agree.
This does not always mean that people are deliberately taking advantage. Sometimes our own behaviour helps create the expectation. If we continue doing something without ever indicating that it has become too much, people may reasonably assume that we are happy to continue.
This is where saying no has its place. A refusal does not cancel everything we have previously done for someone, nor does it make us ungenerous. Sometimes it simply restores a balance that has gradually been lost.
Giving and Taking at Work
Giving and taking becomes particularly noticeable at work because we regularly ask others for help, information, extra effort or cooperation. A manager, for example, may need a team to do more during a difficult period. The request may be reasonable, but employees also remember how they were treated before the pressure began. Was the manager available when they needed support? Was good work recognised? Were their concerns taken seriously?
People are more willing to make an extra effort when respect and support have been part of everyday working life. It is much harder to ask for commitment only when a deadline is approaching or something has gone wrong.
The same applies to professional networking. A network should not be a list of people we remember only when we need a job, a client, a recommendation or an introduction. Staying connected can be simple:
- Congratulate someone when something goes well.
- Share information that may be useful.
- Recognise good work.
- Keep in touch from time to time without attaching a request.
None of this requires constant networking. It simply means that the request is not the only reason we remember someone.
Knowing How to Ask
Even when we have been generous with others, we still need to know how to ask. Friendship, family ties, seniority or a previous favour should not be used to make someone feel that saying no is impossible. If it is genuinely a request, the other person must be free to decide.
When asking for something:
- Be clear about what you need.
- Give enough information for the person to decide.
- Leave room for an honest yes or no.
- Accept the answer without creating discomfort.
- Show appreciation when help is given.
How we react to the answer matters. If a refusal leads to guilt, anger or a reminder of everything we have previously done, then what appeared to be a request was probably an expectation.
Knowing How to Receive
There is another side to the balance that is easy to overlook. Some people are comfortable giving but uncomfortable receiving. They refuse help, dismiss compliments or feel that accepting something places them in another person’s debt.
Receiving graciously is not the same as taking advantage. When help is freely offered, we can accept it and show appreciation without immediately looking for a way to repay it. At another time, we may be the one in a position to give.
Gratitude matters here. When someone has helped us many times, it is easy to start treating that help as normal. It is not. Previous generosity does not make the next favour automatic, and familiarity should never make a sincere thank you unnecessary.
Finding the Balance
Giving and taking are part of life, and the balance between them will never be exact. Sometimes we will be able to give more, and sometimes we will need more from others. There will be times when we should ask, times when we should accept what is offered and times when we should step back.
The point is not to calculate who owes whom. It is to pay more attention to what we give, what we ask for and what we have come to expect from others. Perhaps getting the balance right begins with noticing which side comes easily to us, and which side we still need to learn.
